Never Split the Difference

"Negotiation is not an act of battle; it's a process of discovery. The goal is to uncover as much information as possible."

— Chris Voss

Voss spent 24 years at the FBI. He led crisis negotiations for the New York office and became the FBI's lead international kidnapping negotiator. After leaving he founded Black Swan Group, a negotiation training firm, and taught business negotiation at USC and Georgetown. He wrote the book with journalist Tahl Raz to bring to business what he learned negotiating for lives.

The negotiation taught in business schools assumes the parties are rational, that it's enough to separate the people from the problem and that a good deal is meeting in the middle. Voss argues the opposite: decisions are emotional, and splitting the difference usually leaves both sides with a bad deal. His proposal is tactical empathy, understanding what the other person feels and saying it out loud, not to agree with them but to influence.

The techniques he proposes are concrete:

• The mirror. Repeat the last one to three key words the other person said, in a questioning tone, and stay silent. The other person elaborates and gives you information.
• The label. Name the other person's emotion with "it seems like..." or "it sounds like...". Acknowledging it takes away its force. Avoid "I understand," which sounds like a formula.
• The accusation audit. Before the other person says it, list yourself everything negative they might be thinking about you. Said by you, it loses weight.
• Go for the "no." An early "yes" is usually a commitment yes. A question like "is this a bad time to talk?" gives the other person a sense of control and opens the real conversation.
• Go for the "that's right." Summarize their position better than they would say it themselves. When they answer "that's right," they felt understood; "you're right," on the other hand, is almost always a way of brushing you off.
• Calibrated questions. Questions that start with "what" or "how," like "how am I supposed to do that?", which get the other person thinking about your problem and give them the feeling that they are in control.
• Black swans. Hidden information that, once discovered, changes the whole negotiation. To find it you have to ask open questions and pay attention to tone, pauses and what doesn't add up between what the other person says and what they do.

The case that best sums it up happened in Haiti in 2004. The aunt of a political figure was kidnapped and the kidnappers asked for $150,000. Voss read that the gang was after quick money and not a big ransom, and guided the nephew so that, instead of haggling, he would ask open questions and let the kidnappers lower their figure first. The family closed at an exact, unrounded amount, $4,751, because Voss teaches that a precise figure looks like the product of serious calculation and is more credible. The aunt came home safe.

Voss warns about two mistakes. The first is confusing tactical empathy with being nice or with giving in: listening to and validating the other person doesn't oblige you to accept their terms, and for him no deal is better than a bad deal. The second is talking more than you listen; the negotiator who fills the silences is left without the information he needed.

How to apply it? Before your next negotiation with a customer or a supplier, write your accusation audit and three calibrated questions. During the conversation, use at least two mirrors and two labels, and don't propose any figure until the other side has said "that's right."

As a founder it will help you negotiate with customers, suppliers, candidates and business partners without splitting the difference, and get your sales team to listen more than they talk. And in your family and personal life it will help you lower the tension in hard conversations and understand what really worries the other person.